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These Jokes are in not my own and I do not necessarily depict or relate to any of them as being my point of view. Some of them might be funny, others, maybe not so funny and some might be offensive to certain people. I have no preference to any race, sex, colour or creed (I just hate everybody, Ha Ha!) The Jokes that follow are jokes that people have forwarded to me. If you find any of these jokes too offensive and would like me to remove it, Please feel free to e-mail me with a request to do that.
If you have any other good jokes that you would like me to add to this page you may also e-mail them to me.
The Mailmans last day
Adam & Eve
Creation of Eve
The Logical Scientist
They buried her.
The Mailman's Last Day
It was George the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent home on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him) and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough, they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she replied, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my own idea."
Always Ultra have announced new "Festive Pantie Liners" which play "Jingle Bells" when they're full up... But it's just for the Christmas period!. . .Ho Ho Ho!
Adam & Eve
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem--my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who lay made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!" Jones cried as his wife jabbed him in the leg with the hatpin. "Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister.
Soon, Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling.
Before long, Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled,
"You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it off and shove it up your ass!!!!!"
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on their wedding night and reprimanded him severely: "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "
Now would you be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
A bronco rider carried his bride over the threshold into the honeymoon suite. They had taken off all their clothes and jumped in bed, when suddenly the girl began to jerk and twitch. "What's the matter, baby?" asked the man. She was now shivering all over. "I'm having an epileptic fit!" she finally managed to say.
"Oh hell! I gotta' do something about this!" the cowboy said, thinking quickly. He picked up the hotel phone and called the bell captain for help. Four bellhops soon came rushing into the room. "Quick! Grab her arms and hold her down!" the cowboy shouted to two of them. To the other two, he directed, "Grab her legs--hold her tight!" Hopping astraddle her, he shouted to the straining bellhops,
"Okay, fellas, cut her loose!!!!"
There was a guy who was struggling to decide what costume to wear to go to a fancy dress party. Then he had a bright idea.
When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.
"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.
"A premature ejaculation", said the man "I just came in my pants"
A man who worked for a fire station came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station.
Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.
From now on we're going to run this house the samy way. When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump inot bed, and when I say Bell 3, we're going to screw all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, Bell 1 and his wife took off her clothes, bell 2 and his wife jumped into bed, Bell 3 and they began to screw.
After 2 minutes his wife yelled, Bell 4. What this 4, husband says.
More hose, she replied, You're nowwhere near the fire!!!!!!!
Menu: For a Sexual Appetite Cuntonese Cuisine 6969 SOHO HIGH ST.
Would you like to order in Chinese? Luncheon Specials (3)
|(1)||SUM YUNG CHICK||£6.99||Different and Delicious|
|(2)||SUM DUM FUC||£9.69||Same as #1 with extra sauce|
|(3)||FUC U MAN||£9.69||Speciality of the house|
Dinner Combinations (10) Includes smeg rolls and fortune cookies
|(1)||GOO IN HAND||£6.99||For those dining alone|
|(2)||GOO WEE CHICK||£6.99||Sloppy seconds - no extra charge|
|(3)||CUM TO SOON||£9.69||Order early these go fast|
|(4)||SUM DUM CHICK||£4.99||You get what you pay for|
|(5)||FUC ME SLO||£6.99||Not available after 10pm|
|(6)||LIK MI CLIT||£9.69||Lip smacking delicay|
|(7)||CHO KON IT||£6.99||For the deep throated.|
|(8)||FUC SUM NOW||£6.69||For those in a hurry.|
|(9)||WAI TU YUNG||£9.69||Not available on school nights|
|(10)||SUM GULP CUM||£6.99||Lo-Cal Diet Special|
|(11)||FUC UM YUNG||£5.99||Same as sushi- still raw|
|(12)||FUC UM BAC SI||£15.99||Quite dry -may need sauce|
Q: What's the worst thing about having a heart-lung transplant :
A: Coughing up someone else's phleghm Told you I wasn't in this thing for romance.
A sodium atom and a chlorine atom were walking down the street.
Sodium: "I think I've lost an electron"
Chlorine: "Are you sure"
Sodium: "I'm positive"
Chlorine: "I'm not positive, but I am now attracted to you"
Sodium: "Don't you assa(u)lt me!"
It then started raining and they dissolved into tears. They then went into a bar got steeped in alcohol, but this was not a solution to their problems, but caused further precipitation
Creation of Eve
God noticed that Adam was lonely. He asked Adam what he would like as a companion. Adam replied that he wanted a female who would happily wait on him hand-and-foot, would never complain, would cook all his meals when he decided he was hungry, would generally do all the little chores that he wanted her to do, and, in short, would be his love slave. God smiled at Adam and said "Son, that would cost you an arm and a leg." "Okay," Adam stated, "What can I get for a rib?"
Father & Son
A father and a son were walking through the forrest one day on their way home from fishing. The little boy saw a honeybee land on the ground and he stepped on it and killed it. His father said,"Son, that was cruel. Just for that, you can't have any honey for a whole year." The little boy and his father walked on through the forrest. The little boy came upon a butterfly and killed it also. Again his father said,"Son, that was cruel. Just for that, you can't have any butter for a year." The boy walked into the house just in time to see his mother smash a cockroach on the kitchen floor. "Should I tell her or will you, Dad?" he asked.
The Logical Scientist
Fred & Bill are having lunch at the pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of 'the suit'.
Fred: "Accountant". Bill: "No way...he's a stockbroker." Fred: "He ain't no stockbroker. A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!."
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Fred and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees 'the suit' is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and several beers get the better of him.
Fred: "'Scuse me...no offence meant, but me and my mate were wondering what you do for a living." Suit: "No offence taken. I'm a Logical Scientist by profession." Fred: "No shit! ....Great...so, err,what's that then?" Suit: "I'll try to explain by example.......Do you have a goldfish?" Fred: "Er...mmm...well yeah, I do as it happens" Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?" Fred: "It's in a pond." Suit: "Well then, it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden." Fred: "As it happens, ..yes.. I do have a large garden." Suit: "Well then, it's logical to assume that in this town, if you have a large garden, then you also have a large house." Fred: "As it happens, I do have a large house..... five bedrooms.... built it myself." Suit: "Well, given that you've built a five bedroom house it is logical to assume you haven't built it just for yourself but that you are quite probably married." Fred: "Yes, I am married, I live with my wife and three children." Suit: Well then, it is logiacl to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis." Fred: "Yep! Four nights a week,me! Suit: "Well then, it is logical to suggest that you do not masterbate very often." Fred: "Me? Never." Suit: "Well there you are. Logical Science at work. Fred: "How's that then? Suit: "Well, from finding out that you had a goldfish,I've told you about the size of your garden, the size of your house, your family and your sex life." Fred: "I see! That's pretty impressive....thanks, mate."
Both leave the Gents and Fred returns to his mate, Bill'.
Bill: "I see 'the suit' was in there....did you ask him what he does?" Fred: "Yep! He's a Logical Scientist" Bill: "What's that then?" Fred: "I'll try to explain......Do you have a goldfish?" Bill: "Nope." Fred: "Well then,Bill mate, you're a wanker!."
Try this recipe next time you're in the kitchen.
A recipe for the morning
2 laughing eyes
2 well shaped legs
2 loving arms
2 firm milk containers
1 fir lined mixing bowl
1 firm banana
1. Look into laughing eyes.
2. Spread well shaped legs slowly.
3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until fur lined mixing bowl is well greased. Check frequently with finger.
4. Meanwhile ensure loving arms are attached to firm banana
5. Add firm banana to fur lined mixing bowl gently. Work in and out until well creamed. For best results continue to knead milk containers.
6. As heat rises plunge banana deep into fur lined mixing bowl, cover with nuts, sigh with relief and leave to soak (preferably not overnight).
7. The cake is cooked when the banana is soft. If the banana doesn't soften, repeat method or change mixing bowl.
8. If in unfamiliar kitchen, be sure to wash utensils carefully.
NOTE: DO NOT LICK MIXING BOWL AFTER BANANA SOFTENS
IF CAKE 'RISES' LEAVE TOWN AS SOON AS POSSIBLE!
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning at the third tee (par 3, 185 yards, slight dog leg to left, water hazard on the right) while a particularly slow group of golfers were flailing away ahead of them.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Priest: Hey, here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.
Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they?
George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge!
Doctor: Wow! Thanks for the scoop George.
Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my opthamologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
After a short pause ...
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
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